Top 5 Christmas Songs that are Guaranteed to Clear the Dancefloor

December 10, 2012

Everyone knows that music choice is crucial to an event’s atmosphere – especially at Christmas. The right mix of familiar favourites and hidden gems can make the difference between a packed dance floor and an empty one. Picking the right songs for a Christmas playlist can be a minefield, a tinsel strewn, bauble covered minefield.

So with many of our clients coming up with suggestions for their Christmas DJs and function bands, we thought we’d offer up some of the tunes to avoid at all costs. We’re not talking about songs that have been overplayed – rather, the Christmas tunes that were fundamentally flawed from their conception. The real Christmas stinkers. The kind of thing that makes you go all Oliver Cromwell circa 1644. The Worst Christmas Songs Ever...

What Do You Get a Wookie for Christmas When He Already Has a Comb?

People love Star Wars, People Love Christmas; Star Wars and Christmas, right? Star Wars and Christmas! Christmas Star Wars! That works, right? A few seconds of the above video should leave you convinced that no, that does not work. This grating, shrill cash grab of a Christmas tune first appeared on the 1980 album Christmas In The Stars, an album that features the first professional singing appearance of Lion-Haired rock goblin Jon Bon Jovi who probably wanted you to think that he used to work on the docks or something suitably “blue collar” instead of singing lead vocals on R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas. But now that all proceeds from George Lucas’ sale of the Star Wars Franchise have gone to charity – this is sort of a charity song. Either way, no one wants to hear the grating sound of a choir of robots and aliens singing about possible gifts for Han Solo’s hirsute companion.

Band Aid 20 - Do They Know It’s Christmas

Yet another Christmas car crash with its heart in the right place, the Chris Martin led Band Aid 20 features a host of big name talent taking on Do They Know it’s Christmas and even has Bono reprising his “Well tinyight thank Gyahd it’s them insti-yea-head of yiouuuuwah” line, all in the name of raising money for the Darfur region of Sudan. Unfortunately, it also has a guitar solo from some guy out of The Darkness, an ill-advised bridge/rap from Dizzee Rascal and Joss Stone going a bit ‘ad lib mental’ over the outro. Well intentioned or not, if a DJ plays this at a Christmas Party you’ll have guests screaming for the original... or even the 1989 rerelease which at least has the good grace to be unintentionally funny.

Coldplay – Christmas Lights

Turns out Coldplay’s Chris Martin is a repeat offender – and am I the only one who’s noticed that the first 6 letters of Chris Martin are the same as Christm-wait. There’s a space instead of a T. But open your eyes people.  Coldplay took no end of stick for rhyming “took my feet” with “to Oxford Street” in this song about being all sad at Christmas. Don’t expect to see Christmas Lights in many DJs record collections for Christmas events, more to the point; don’t expect to see Coldplay feature the whole year round because as well crafted and ‘anthemic’ as their biggest hits may be – their songs are regularly cited as sure-fire ‘dance floor clearers’ by many of our best DJs.

Destiny’s Child – 8 Days of Christmas

Finally, a song you can feel good about hating on. Christmas and crass commercialism aren’t exactly unfamiliar bedfellows but Destiny’s Child’s noughties twist on the Twelve Days of Christmas is breathtaking in its gaudy materialism and shameless brand plugs. Sure, sprinkled in between pairs of Chloe shades and diamond belly rings are a few ‘back rubs’ and ‘poems’ to prove that ‘my baby’ is, like, deep as well as generous. And sure, it has a ‘beat’ and people could conceivably ‘dance to it’ but if a DJ were foolish enough to play 8 Days of Christmas at an event, it wouldn’t be long before guests start to consider giving away all their worldly possessions and giving up on this ‘Christmas’ business altogether. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible.

NewSong – The Christmas Shoes

You know those chain emails you used to get where someone says that a fairy dies if you don’t send them on to at least 20 contacts and they’re full of awful ‘90s internet’ gifs and some story about a small boy who tries to buy shoes for his mother at Christmas because she’s dying and he wants her to look nice when she meets Jesus? Imagine if someone made a novelisation of that story. Now imagine if someone made a TV movie of the novelisation starring a pre-Parks and Rec Rob Lowe. Now imagine if a Christian Rock Band then recorded a song recounting the story to accompany the film and-Oh, That Actually Happened. A guaranteed mood killer at any event, NewSong’s would-be tear-jerker mixes grunting ‘hunger-dunger-dang’ vocals with the syrupy sounds of a Smooth FM ballad to create a song so overwhelmingly unpleasant, it’s almost impossible to make it all the way through. But if you’re looking to get guests to leave at the end of the night...

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By Garreth Owen