Top 5: Animal Entertainment NOT to have at your Wedding

February 03, 2016

Your wedding day is your special day, a celebration of the love between yourself and your partner. As such, people want to have the best of everything on their Wedding day, making sure to check all sorts of things that normally wouldn’t be a concern. What is the exact colour of the wedding invitation and is the paper of the best quality? Are the light bulbs of sufficient brightness? Are they too light? If somebody arrives on a motor bike, do we have parking spaces for that?! The list is endless and generally, everything goes okay. But when it comes to wedding entertainment, there is such a thing as too much Pinterest. Here are five ideas featuring animals (sometimes unintentionally) for your wedding that you might want to reconsider.

Secret Envelopes

There was a wonderful thread on Reddit recently that inspired this blog, with the top comment doing a better job of why secret envelopes should never be used at a wedding:

“The wedding. Two sets of chairs set up in a lovely courtyard garden, aisle down the middle leading to a bower. We all seated ourselves, on the chairs, which had white upholstery.

As the ceremony ended, the minister said:

"And now, I ask each of you to reach under your chairs for the small, white envelope you will find there. Each one contains a live Monarch butterfly. We will release them into the air and let them soar free, as a symbol of the love these two have for each other."

Everyone. Froze. Whoever had set up the area had put the envelopes ON, not under, the chairs. White envelopes. Little white envelopes, on snow-white chair seats. Open-mouthed with horror, all the guests reached down and found the envelopes. We opened them. Most were dead - squashed into bloody smears. But a good amount were just horribly maimed, these poor butterflies that had been sat on for the better part of 45 minutes. We watched in shock as these broken, mangled butterflies, missing a wing or some legs or a tail, flopped onto the ground and twitched out their death agonies.”

Think Before Using Your Pets

Obviously this is detailed spectacularly above, but we feel that we should go into a little more detail on using pets, mainly because your wedding day is one of the most important of your lives and we don’t want you to rush in to using Fido as a ring bearer. We’ve all seen the photos of a cute pug in a tuxedo but in all honesty, the cuteness of using your loveable dog as an actual part of the ceremony isn’t a risk worth taking.

 One such story we’ve heard here at Sternberg Clarke – that a person actually attended in the office – was one spectacular affair where Fido was walking down the aisle as the ring bearer and decided that was the perfect time to make his presence known to others. What started as a mere number one on the pew quickly turned into a number two and sadly, no guest knew where to look especially as the actual owners were busy with, you know, getting married!

Outside Weddings Deserve Proper Consideration

Even the tiniest of critters can get involved in your wedding, getting into all sorts of places nobody thought possible. But that’s unlikely. What isn’t unlikely however is the prospect of a summer wedding being held outside. As previously mentioned, Pinterest is a hugely popular website for wedding inspiration and various photos of weddings with wonderful filters amidst gorgeous woodland mean that these big days are becoming more popular than ever. 

One thing to bear in mind if you are holding the wedding in a forest is to ensure that there are many man made buildings and open spaces nearby. It shouldn’t require Ray Mears to tell you this but a wedding in a woods on a hot day in August is liable to bring out the mosquitoes. Hundreds of them. When you throw in the possibility of unexpected rain and the fact there will most likely be a fair number of elderly and women in heels, perhaps a woodland wedding isn’t ideal after all. Especially with the onset of all those bugs.

Birds Are Not a Good Idea

Using your dog as a ring bearer isn’t the best of ideas and sadly, we don’t believe that using a bird is the best idea ever either. Or at least, if you do decide to use a bird of prey to swoop into your church and land on the groom’s hand, then please take special precautions (and we don’t mean having the groom wear a protective glove; that should be obvious). We’ve been in the business for 25 years and as such, we know all the stories. For this one it’s best to picture the scene. The happy couple going through their vows, a large number of attendees and the organist seated in position at the front of the building. And then the golden eagle swoops in. How romantic!

Unfortunately the organist wanted to enhance this spectacular moment and played a few notes. The spooked bird of prey veered right, hit a window and lolloped its poor form across the floor before a distant Uncle put the eagle out of its misery with a stern foot. No word on the bride and groom’s reaction as they were handed the recovered ring… Or indeed the handler’s reaction to seeing his prized possession die a horrendous death.

Think Before Using Fish

There are a number of cute uses of fish as entertainment, some being used to signify two lost souls coming together in reference to Pink Floyd’s classic song Wish You Were Here (it sounds romantic unless you know the true meaning of the song...) Unfortunately using fish and dropping them into a fish bowl is fraught with the possibility that they…err…may die en route. As we’ve read elsewhere:

“My brother's job was to walk up two goldfish to put into fish bowls as a ‘sign of partnership’. Except one of the fish were dead. So he dropped in one live fish and one dead fish.”

Hmm. There is also a cutesy idea of having many fish in many different vases on each wedding table. The best bit? Guests think they are cute and get to take the fish home. The bad bit? Many of the fish picked aren’t simple goldfish and require way more space in which to swim. Even just being cooped up in a small place can cause trauma to the fish and lead to a significantly decreased lifespan. So please think twice before using fish, cute as they may be!

Cover photo from the fab Bluebird Cake Toppers.




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By Henry Fosdike