May 07, 2015
Ah, politicians. So often the butt of jokes on Have I Got News For You? and occasionally ensuring that they spend absolutely nothing whilst holding their seat (“Expenses...?”) But they do actually do a job as well – apparently – wherein they attempt to appease their local constituents by any means necessary, which sometimes includes threatening court action when a constituent tells the truth about you. What a jolly lot they are! Which got us thinking... What would their act be if they had to move into event entertainment? Hmm...
Note: All acts are largely based upon mass stereotyping from the British media.
David ‘the Dazzler’ Cameron
Undoubtedly, our Prime Minister would be a magician. For five years he has ruled over the UK with an impressive smoke and mirrors approach to politics. He thanks the public for their ‘assistance’ when it was really him all along, taking money from the punters and ensuring it goes where it’s needed, which is generally to his very best friends. His great act appears to be ensuring the NHS disappears with a click of the fingers. 3...2...1... And it’s gone. He is yet to master the great vanishing act on himself – where he leaves No. 10 – but maybe today will be the day. Unless you want to see his act once again!
Ed ‘Ted’ Miliband
Who wouldn’t want to hire Our Ted, top caricaturist? Just like any caricaturist worth their salt, they make difficult things look easy – such as sailing through an interview with Russell Brand – and easy things look hard*. Looking at you, bacon sandwich. Ted can exaggerate features of British politics and choose to ignore the other stuff in favour of focusing on the positives. He doesn’t mind engaging you in chatter but would rather get his tablet out.
Nick 'Who?' Clegg
The former people’s hero, Nick Clegg would undoubtedly be an act from the vaudevillian era. He wouldn’t be featured on our website and he’d no doubt have difficulty attaining any bookings as a result. He won’t have updated his act for a while and rather frustratingly, will keep promising us and the various clients that book him that he will do the things he says in future. But you may struggle to trust him even though he seems nice enough and would probably remember your birthday each year.
Nigel 'Christmas' Farage
Nigel Farage! Are we allowed to say Simpsons character lookalike? He doesn’t look like any specific member of Springfield but does (somehow) have a physicality that seems to have been put together by Matt Groening’s finest. Since we can’t imagine he’d ever receive any bookings, we’re therefore pitching Nigel as a Living Christmas Tree. They’re very noticeable, people often aren’t too sure what to make of them and since we’re writing this in May, they’re entirely wrong for the current season. Unless you're one of the few people who really like Christmas and everything Christmas stands for, in which case he’s your man.
Nicola 'Irn' Sturgeon
Dare we say bagpiper? Yes, we’re going to say bagpiper. Nicola is known for making a lot of noise and ensuring that everybody around her stands up and takes note. More to the point, she’s obviously very proud of being Scottish and you can’t get any more Scottish than a bagpiper. Generally liked by many but only applicable for Scotland and Scottish-themed events, Nicola may very well be a top entertainer north of the border.
Natalie 'Aww' Bennett
Natalie Bennett would undoubtedly be blog favourite, Living Topiary, or anything else that anyone absolutely loves. Living Topiary are harmless and Natalie is much the same, just wanting a better world for us all to live in. This act is literally a hedge – you can’t get more green than that – and will leave you with a big smile on your face. Of course, there’s generally an added extra rather than the main event but will that always be the case? Hard to say.
All of us here at Sternberg Clarke want you to get out vote for who you believe in. Just make sure that your voice is heard!
* - Eh, it fitted the writing quite well. Don't be offended, caricaturists!
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By Henry Fosdike