October 09, 2015
Dear FIFA (those of you who haven’t been suspended...yet),
It has come to my attention that the Presidency job at FIFA is going to be available early next year and as such, I am throwing myself into the ring as a candidate.
Yes, I know that I might not have all the right credentials to run a huge organisation, especially considering my current role as Digital Content Coordinator at a live entertainment firm in London, but let’s be honest, your current method of hiring clearly isn’t working and I think FIFA could do with some fresh eyes.
But what would I bring to the job? How do you know that I could do it and not bring the federation into disrepute yet again? Well, I think I’d be a good shout for a number of reasons.
There seem to be a lot of press releases coming out of FIFA. Not a lot, LOADS. ALL THE TIME. As somebody who has written pages and pages of words on the company blog every single day, this wouldn’t be a problem for me. I know what you’re thinking. “But Henry, if you were President you should delegate those duties!” Well, I could. But I think this would be an effective form of PR. I would be mucking in and helping on the lower rungs as well as overseeing from the top.
Under my watch, you won’t need to worry about bribes or corruption either. I’ve never once taken a bribe. Admittedly, I’ve never been offered one outside of the school playground, but I’m supremely confident that if I was offered one, I would turn it down. I have all the things I need in life right now so an extra million here or an extra £20,000 watch there just wouldn’t be needed. My phone tells the time anyway. I’ll probably want to upgrade my phone if I get offered the job – it has a crap battery life – but we can discuss that when it comes to contract talks.
I’m well aware that a candidate such as myself has to accept the fact he may very well gain the support of various football federations and find himself President, especially if he offers to not actually take any bungs. My word should be enough! As such, I would be expected to steer FIFA through the World Cups of Russia and Qatar. This is perhaps the biggest challenge that would face my candidacy as even a cursory look at an image like this:
...would have shown that perhaps there were better candidates than Russia and Qatar. But you chose them anyway. Never mind. I’ll endeavour to do my best and ensure that the countries that bid for a summer World Cup in 2026 and 2030 actually deliver a summer World Cup in 2026 and 2030. What’s more, using my background in live entertainment, the opening ceremony would be nothing short of terrific! You know Jamie Raven (he came second on this year’s Britain’s Got Talent)? Well, we actually know him. He used to do events for us before he made it big so I could definitely pull some strings as it were. We also know a whole host of circus acts so why not give them a go too? It’ll be spectacular and since FIFA is known for haemorrhaging cash to who knows where, we can save a bit of money whilst we do it. More money can flow into the places where it’s needed as a result. (Perhaps we can spend the cash on a new competition for who should hold the 2022 World Cup? Things still look a bit iffy from where I’m sitting.)
Just like your choices for who should hold the World Cup (‘going for someone a bit under qualified’), I more than meet the requirements. I’ve never been a leader, never stolen millions at the expense of grassroots football and am actually an upstanding citizen. So I am definitely a left field choice, but I think I could really be good for FIFA. What’s more, I used to be a pretty good footballer. I was on the front page of the local paper for scoring all ten goals when I was eight years old and although I never quite managed to continue the form well enough to ‘get on the plane’, I am from the same town as Charlie Austin, so I do have football links there. And Bournemouth was just down the road as well; look at them now! With a little support, I too could prove to be a success.
I don’t write this letter with the expectation to actually get my name onto the ballot but I genuinely don’t think I could do a worse job than everyone else has managed to do at your organisation for far too long. I mean, it couldn’t do any more harm could it? And don’t think I’m not up to the stresses of the job; I’m a Newcastle fan so am well aware of pain and suffering.
Very much looking forward to hearing from you,
P.S. I studied Scriptwriting for Film & TV at Uni so if for some reason there’s already a follow-up to United Passions in the works and we definitely cannot stop it from going into production, I can probably write that too.
P.P.S. I’ll be going to the England game at Wembley later hoping to see Dele Alli connect with the mighty Danny Ings so just let me know in advance if any of your representatives will be there.
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By Henry Fosdike